Dialogue 2 Segment 3
At 08:14 AM 11/1/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Whilst in Corpus yesterday, and prior to receiving your email I bought Atlas Shrugged, The Fountainhead, The Way of the Wizard and a workbook for The Celestine Prophecy. I read The Fountainhead in the 60's. 'C' wanted me to acquire all but the last because you mentioned them frequently in the dialogues. P told me about the Celestine thing.
On your suggestion, started Atlas Shrugged. I'm not a big fan of Ayn Rand, and I'm having a hard time with the 'willing suspension' thing, and the book is really fine print, over 1,000 pages, and I'm a slow reader.
M: Then do not be impatient. It requires about 250 pages just to set the characters.
A: That by way of a complaint.
M: I take it as a report....
A: I recall when the book was popular, lots of people had the bumper sticker 'Who is John Galt?'. Will probably be interesting, albeit a year from now, to find out. btw, both of her books got pretty well ragged on by reader reviews in Amazon, most saying her philosophy is unrealistic.
M: That just provides an indication of how screwed up society really is. CC was/is highly ragged on. The philosophies are about the same through expressed in many ways. Everything is stacked in societal progression against "the individual". If you want a "quick" piece from Ayn Rand that will "get the message" into you simply, pick up her book "For The New Intellectual". The first ~60 pages, only 60, describe the devolution...
A: That does sort of pique my interest. Am I to presume I might find something of 'personal' interest?
M: You will. I cannot emphasize how much. There was a Time/CNN poll taken about 5 years ago (by memory). The poll included the question, "what book has most influenced your life?". The majority responded "the bible", but about 30% responded "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.
There lies within the text of that book, a oath for individuals to take. It is an oath of self, for self. The protégés learn the significance and take this oath. When you learn of the oath, you will see why society rags on Rand.
A: I had considered beginning this with 'Well, it's been a quiet week in Lake Woebegone...' - sans TV have found Prarie Home Companion is still live and well on NPR - great stuff, still. And a fond farewell to Steve Allen, one of my all time favorite people, with whom I share the same birthday.
M: Yes. A great talent.
A: and Garrison's sign off is cool too - 'Well, that's all the news from Lake Woebegone, where all the women are smart, the men are good lookin', and the children are definitely above average.'
M: <smile>
----------
At 10:40 AM 11/2/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
P just came up with an astounding idea. I have played on irc for a while, sort of introduced him to it, discovered via Linux stuff that irc really got started long ago, long before www, etc. Therefore, I am sure you know about it and its intricacies. P suggested creating a site/forum which you could moderate and into which could be invited the folk in the dialogues and whoever might potentially benefit. There are some serious drawbacks, mainly that no one would get much sleep, but...
As I told P, he may have created a monster.
re Atlas Shrugged - hmph.
M: Re "hmph". (smile). Read it with the mind-set to learn something, not to be entertained.
I've thought about the same thing noted in P's idea and even recently (last week) X and self had an exchange about that. Basically, the response is "no", it would be highly inefficient. Whenever irc's/mirc's are used, the babble is horrible. There was one posted by <snip> (I think that's correct) re CC a couple of years ago that produced horrible babble about "one finding one's soul mate" and noise of no productive consequence. Awful. He went on to make a correspondence course that he offers: a four year payment to this person that literally says "through this course you can become a nagual".
Help us.
There was one idea that "might" (very tentatively, impressively tentatively, said) work. The latest version of Eudora e/mail, version 5, has a feature that is interesting. It offers the facility to setup a "group" mail box", that could be used for a family dialogue for example. As I understand the facility, a group of individuals agree to setup the "box" within their e/mail programs (they would all have to be Eudora). When any person in "the group" adds or deletes e/mail paths to individuals, all mailboxes/systems are updated with the additions and deletions. When one posts any message into "the box" it updates to all. The path additions and deletions and message postings occur to each user's system whenever each downloads their e/mail.
The advantage is that it forms something like a distributive server, and since it's posted/updated when each user downloads normal e/mail (the box doesn't interfere with normal e/mail facilities within Eudora's program, just adds the facility) it isn't "time-schedule" oppressive.
Michael
----------
At 11:56 AM 11/2/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I have to share this one. 'C' has a talent for labels. For example, I owned a chevy van, straight six, with 3 on a tree manual transmission - put headers on it, fiberglass mufflers...another story...she named it The Bucket (yet another story behind that) - also had a 27' Catalina sailboat got named Bucket II. I bought the Dodge diesel pickup we now have, ordered some kind of blue which turns out to be more purple when the sun hits it right and it's clean (not often) - she named it The Purple Dragon. Damn truck has a mind of its own, especially on cruise control, and especially if someone tries to pass it...thing is possessed. At any rate she called you His Mikeness and I hurt myself laughing.
M: Tend, sometimes, to do that myself.....
A: So.
re the irc thing...I had in mind an 'invite only' forum with a bot set to accept members only, which would eliminate the 'soul mate' bullshit. However, it would require dealing with and 'screening' applicants. But, X needs something to do....:). Actually, X could be the head dude what am, and you could be...hm...not the head dude what am. I dunno.
M: Yes, but understood. The ancient conundrum for myself, and those similar, is how to interface with others. It is an ancient problem. It is wondered if you understand.
A: I AM reading AS with the purpose of learning. She shares an attribute with Harlan Ellison, however....they both shout.
M: Good. It's okay to be shouted at, if one does not have a defensive reflex that would "raise shields" to the message. Your response to being shouted at: Bang! DefCon-5!
Michael
----------
At 12:25 PM 11/2/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: "At 10:03 AM 11/2/00 -0800, you wrote:
> The ancient conundrum for myself, and those similar, is how to interface with others. It is an ancient problem. It is wondered if you understand. > "
A: Yes. Pardon the flippancy.
M: Didn't seem flippant! Only wanted to be certain that you really understood. The problem (also posted in "the dialogue") when the priest said "Don't ever tell anyone who/what you are: they will worship you or condemn you as Satan/evil" (paraphrasing) really points out the problem. Indeed, I have been called these things, even recently, and intensely.
A: " > She shares an attribute with > Harlan Ellison, however....they both shout. > > M: > Good. It's okay to be shouted at, if one does not have a defensive >"" to the message. Your response to > being shouted at: Bang! DefCon-5! > > (Aren't ah cute?) > >
Actually, I prefer loud. (Surprise) DefCon-5 is the most exciting...let us not piddle about. And I'm unsure about that accent, let alone the cuteness...:) and yes, I read your early years post San Diego were somewhere in most fine Texas, yall.
M: Y'all come!
Michael
----------
At 01:30 PM 11/2/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
You mentioned the condemnation devil/savior thing when we talked. It is a bit sobering.
M: Yes. Imagine that, with intensity in it's extension, being applied to yourself and it might assist in your understanding.
A: I hope you have had a chance to see 'The Life of Brian', Monty Python. I have always felt there were two levels (at least) to that movie - surface is hysterical, as is most of their nonsense - the second points out the problem you are faced with.
M: There were times that I started to watch it, and pieces have been viewed that were apropos, but because of the nonsense ratio I've never watched the whole film.
A: Probably my favorite scene is when Brian tells the assembled masses to fuck off...they respond with, 'But HOW should we fuck off?' The difference is that Brian has been mistakenly identified and just wants to get on.
M: Richard Bach wrote a book about a reluctant Messiah. It's really funny and sad, just for it's introductory pages. Those can be read standing in isle of the bookstore.
A: And another anecdote comes to mind, from 'Illusions' by Richard Bach, when 'the savior' aka (I can't remember) essentially 'shows' himself on a local radio station doing a talk show, in the midwest, and an irate listener finds him and blows him away with a shotgun. (Donald Shimoda...what a memory...)...Richard is totally upset, asks Donald why he did that, Shimoda says, 'I think I like the drama.' Providing perspective on first attention level.
I love this one - 'If you're so powerful, why don't you win the lottery?'
M: Sigh.
Ah, well, "sigh".....(don't mind rising the redundancy) Somehow I doubt that this "group" piece will really happen. The Part VIII in "the dialogue" got so noisy that I disconnected from it. X formed himself "the compiling group box" for a couple of months. It got really babbling to myself. It did continue for a while after I dropped out, though.
----------
At 02:01 PM 11/2/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: hahahaha...that last sigh got me...
Meantime, in anticipation of the communication thing you mentioned, I downloaded and am now using Eudora 5.0, replacing my ancient and frequently abending 3.0. (And this sucker has an auto spell checker that I have to figure how to TURN OFF...I DO NOT NEED HELP - not that kind, anyway.)
Funny sequence re 'Illusions'.
----------
At 06:59 AM 11/3/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Well, son P has just torn me a new asshole, as the saying goes.
M: Despite my tendency to be bratty with that, like, gee that might improve bodily functions in getting out crap, it almost immediately came to mind that this was a metaphor for what really WAS going on: getting rid of crap in your relationship, and through that with both of you.
A: We got into discussing alcohol and whether it had merits as an ally. He reminded me of something dJ said and I quote (from P's email):
"if you don't mind my two cents, and i would gather that you don't, or we wouldnt be here. your own words had i wrote them would give me pause, as mine have of late. iirc there was an ally for one of the drugs that DJ cautioned would woo you, give you power, and use you up before you knew it. had a female presence as i recall. if it is a relief to slip into it, then wouldnt you want (a) a sober ally? and (b) a sober student? (to not sort of usually fail?). i feel somewhat out of line, respect to an elder and all that, but you turned me onto this originally and again now, and timing is everything. there is no coincidence."
Goddamn little smart ass (with immense affection). (He's also not little - 6'4" 220).
He enquired re means to contact you. I again referred him to X, but told him I would ask you on his behalf. For what its worth, his email is (snip)
M: Ah, gee, er ahem, ah, well, sorta Love
Michael
THAT IS "Sir", grandpoobah of sneakiness! <okay, back to our normal mode>
----------
At 05:55 AM 11/4/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Your sneakiness.
All this time you have been saying 'I am "Michael" - I am only myself' - whew. I believe I finally understand the immensity of that statement. And, I understand the immensity (I am beginning to) of that statement if I apply it to myself, and then to others.
M: Yes. Most "don't get it", however the implications of the concept are profound.
A: There are a whole bunch of 'I am nots' that surface immediately, and that too is an immense relief. I have little hope this 'state' will maintain for long, but once tasted, it will be sought after with gusto, without hurry or compulsion, because it is destined to be.
M: If you intend it, will it into your being, evolve your whole sense of being toward it, then you shall have it.
A: What I wrote to myself last night was a bunch of the 'I am nots' and arrived at a tag from a movie, 'The Jewel of the Nile', where the 'Jewel' calls the author 'Just Joan' - I am Just (snip). That's all...cool.
M: Brief but to the point.
A: PS - I am retrieving my TV from storage. As Just (snip),I really dig TV - have missed 'Inside the Actors Studio', cooking shows, and what I labeled long ago to 'C' as MMS (Mindless Male Sports) which she claims is redundant.
Love, and peace,
Michael
----------
At 07:25 AM 11/5/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Sir GPS: (well, actually, GPBoS)
I presume this title makes you our official navigator. Within 15 meters, of course. (Close enough for govt work.)
M: Oh, dear. I've created a monster....<g>
A: Speaking of navigating, when the hell do I get a trip?
M: Perhaps when you quit grumping about it. <g>
A: Re-reading dialogues it becomes obvious losing (as opposed to 'loosing' which is all over the place, a nit-picky point P and I both caught, unless it was intended, or unless X edited it that way) - losing the human form, or losing human form dependencies is a primary objective, apparently a requirement to travel. (Check the body at the door - no carry-ons.) Tools for accomplishing this have been provided by yourself (sans sextant) and don Juan (cum desert).
M: Re the former: yes. Consider the human form: dependencies. Consider that humans cling to the body as the source of life: the ultimate dependency. Consider the concept of a human literally, "leaving" the body: that would mean, literally, leaving the source of life. Not easy, even offensive to the axiomatic life of humanity.
A: It is a slow process, and re-reading your history gives one pause, but also provides perspective.
Having said all that, last night school was in.
M: Oh, heavens. Progress. NOW, I've "really" created a monster! <g>
A: The incident I want to mention (several dreams I'm going to journal) has happened before, but this time was a bit more gentle, albeit, startling enough to cause me to come fully awake. It felt like a spike - hard to describe - not being stabbed, but being a spike myself, sort of. My first thought was I was about to die, and with that I awoke fully. I believe with prior like occurrences, there was a similar thought, except this time there was no fear, just a strong determination to not continue, i.e., to not die. I immediately thought this could have been the initial stages of aforementioned trip. I lay there for a while considering the occurrence, and began to wonder about the difference between dying and traveling. Apparently the only difference is that someone is left in charge of maintenance while traveling. This someone must be trusted implicitly. Correct?
M: Yes. Tough as a concept to do. (Rather than maintaining my "sneaky" or coy mode, I'll openly admit that there is an exploration here that I'm avoiding for now.)
A: Meantime, listened to PHC - Garrison had one of the best shows ever, pre-election theme, very funny, and as always, very affectionate. I mention him because in the process of reading Atlas Shrugged, I'm keeping notes about stuff, and so far, Keeler represents something Rand conveniently ignores, but I'll bury you with opinions when I'm finished with the book, sometime 2003.
M: Can hardly wait with breathless anticipation! <g>
A: And lastly, broad channel I assume is networks, and West Wing probably comes on after I retire, sometimes around 7:30. I like sleep, but also getting up early. Have heard its a good show, though.
Onward.
M: Indeed.
----------
At 11:53 AM 11/6/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I need to report a potential breach.
M: Uh, oh: DefCon-4!
A: I have been archiving our correspondence in a txt file, periodically WinZipping to a diskette. I had another txt file on the diskette I needed to have printed. I took the diskette to local guy I've known good while, requested ONLY the txt file be printed. He has a new employee, she got ambitious, unzipped the archive and printed that as well. I just called them and raised some hell about it, and demanded she delete the unzipped file, and remove it also from the trash file. Kinda sorta REALLY pissed me off, but also my own fault for providing the opportunity.
So, if some untoward stuff heads your way, kick my ass. My apologies.
M: No problem. If something "does" come my way, then it is supposed to.
Peace
Michael
----------
At 03:38 PM 11/6/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael...uh, I mean Sir GPBoS -
You have, indeed, created a monster. You shall pay the consequences. and re DefCon stati (is that the proper plural? - or is statum the singular?) - of interest that in that state, one has heightened awareness, one pays direct full attention, all feelers out. Another sneaky ploy.
M: Geeze, of all the titles that have been assigned to myself over the years, "master of sneak" isn't one that has surfaced before....and I have only myself to blame!
A: I said once I had had no teachers other than books before encountering your august (or is it November?) self.
M: HA! It must be November.
A: I have felt there were two other people I knew in Hermosa that I would consider teachers. Neither were benevolent, and perhaps that is why I was reluctant to put the label on them, however, looking back, I got some pretty effective pushes from both. 'C' knew both, had sex with one of them, and has always thought I was wrong to think of either as teachers. Her relations with both were totally different than mine, once again being a mere female (she is still in Morocco).
M: Interesting!
A: The most profound was a guy name of (snip) whom I met working at (snip). He impressed me immediately because of his awareness and self-confidence, the self-confidence of a warrior, as dJ described it, not dependant upon others. He once followed me, very closely so that I could 'feel' someone behind me, all the way from one end of the building to the other, and I refused to react until we got on the elevator. He just smiled. He said one of the most profound things to me I ever heard, one night at a mutual friends house getting drunk, etc. I said something like "Let's talk about Zen", and his immediate response was, 'Say something original.' Whew. (Snip) maneuvered to get me to Hermosa, to obtain an apartment a friend of his was vacating where I lived for 10 years, 2 blocks from the water, 2 blocks from downtown, for $140/mo. For all this (and other stories, all lessons to me), he was an abject failure as a husband, and partly for that reason 'C' has always dismissed him. I am tempted to chase him down now. He lives now in Minneapolis. I'm curious about your perceptions.
M: Perceptions: Your need to contact him is that you actually require closure on some matters that are underlying that need. It is very important for you to contact him. There is something very significant for you to learn from that contact.
A: The 'say something original' comment finally bore fruit a couple of days ago, which resulted in my dawning understanding of your saying you were just yourself. Turns out whatever one says is original, since no one else in the whole damned universe said it at that moment, right here, in that way, with that inflection, with that meaning.
M: <smile>
A: P is off to Las Vegas, driving through a snowstorm this afternoon, pulling a large trailer with go-kart and paraphernalia...fun being a parent. They have a showcase race on Sunday that might lead to the big time (at least minor leagues) for (snip).
M: Understand.
Michael
----------
At 04:30 PM 11/6/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: GPB -
Prior to your response, decided to chase down (snip), got to Earthlink home page, 'by chance' encountered my horoscope:
A long time ago someone struck a chord deep inside you that has been resonating ever since. Although you probably couldn't reconnect on the same level if you were to run into the person now, the past can remain alive and invigorating in all sorts of ways. So let your creativity be fed by those dear memories and think of ways to communicate that may have worked magic then, had you known what you know now. The compassionate and romantic side of you is being drawn out, and others are impressed by the depth of spirit you are displaying.
Whew.
I found the only (snip)'s listing two minutes later.
Def-con something.
M: Huzzahhhh! HuzzAHHHH! HUZZZZAAAAHHH! The Victor claims the spoils of the BillyBug wars!
Michael
----------
At 05:22 PM 11/10/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I love Windows...and Billy Boy shines as my ultimate hero. Regardless, I have prevailed. 'C' has returned - all's well with the world. She and I have been in mad blab and debrief mode - she has volumes to send you.
It was interesting to have the email link broken - a lesson in itself.
----------
At 07:29 AM 11/11/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
uh, no shit. We needn't mention the Reverend Jesse Jackson - nor what one of Imus' guests referred to as 'rent-a-rioters' - what a circus. Our only hope is there is a judge who can't be bought. And it had to be, of all the most disgusting places in the entire world, Palm Beach FL.
Sure is nice to have my computer back - it's loss, however, was instructive.
PS 'C' saw on TV guy holding a sign said "Democrats - too dumb to vote"
----------
M: Hello! 'C' is about to go through some emotional experiences. Please be gentle. You will both learn from these impacts.
At 03:37 PM 11/12/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Good evening. You know who I am...or something like that...Hitchcock beginning.
M: Good morning!
A: So...Your Grand PooBah of Sneakiness - SIR:
M: Ah, the recognition! The labels! The assertions!
A: First, I lost the last couple of emails from you. I know 'C' had the same request and you sent her the last couple. I need same, if'n you don't mind.
M: I'm uncertain about how many to send to you, so I'll make a guess at it and resend what seems appropriate.
A: Secondly, as 'C' has mentioned, she and I have been in high blab mode ever since her return.
M: Ya ain't seen nutin yet.
A: It has been, I believe, very fruitful for her, a neat thing to witness and to be a part of. One topic that came up was sort of an inevitable comparison between the two of us.
M: Although fun, you are both sufficiently unique that it is really a comparative learning experience.
A: We recognized there is no competition (even though we joke with that idea all the time) and that each of us has his own set of lessons, each of us has his own set of abilities, etc.
M: Yes, however as this sequence for each of you propagates, there will be increasing alignment for and between you.
A: She has always felt I was a projector; I have always felt she could 'see' phenomenally well. (Mutual admiration society...it gets rather deep sometimes...). Here's the point: re the projection thing on my part, I have felt ala dJ's comments that regardless of the amount or extent of 'power' one might be involved with, bottom line is, one remains actually more of an agent or conduit, and the lessons seem to be to learn how to refine that, a significant aspect being plugging leaks. In one of your emails, in response to 'C' likening my projecting to a loose hose flying about, you said the real problem was leakage at the source. (Rather poor paraphrasing but...). I would appreciate some clarification on that analogy with an eye towards identifying the cause of the leak and means for its repair.
M: Actually, somewhere in "the dialogue" (if this piece has been posted yet, uncertain that) there was a dialogue of "the hose" for allegorical descriptions, so I'll attempt to recreate that for you specifically.
Imagine that a common garden hose with water flowing and with a high performance/velocity nozzle in one's hand (the hand of a warrior) is both a channel of energy (the water motion/velocity/volume) that can on intent and will be directed in "the now" (the nozzle-in-hand on the direction and will of the warrior), where the hose (the conduit of energy) represents something like a time machine. In the past, at the faucet, there is a valve that admits the pressure into the conduit of time. The water moves through this conduit and through time. By this point of "the now" at the nozzle-in-hand, the water pressure is impacted in terms of it's force by and leaks that happen back at the faucet earlier in time - prior to the water getting to the moment of "the now" where it may be utilized. When the decisions of the warrior upon direction of the water at the nozzle of "the now" are made, there is a consequence to "the future" as the water flowing moves out of the conduit into the future direction were it impacts into the cosmos.
The leaks of energy back at the faucet of history cause less energy to be available in "the now". Recapitulation is the concept of how those impacts are executed. Integration of the leak-repair brings more energy into "the now". An examination as a provocation all of impulse emotions of energy wasted, in your situation, through the protections of self importance manifested in impatience and anger, then through the ramification of those experiences into regret and self-doubt that have been covered up in your processes with more assertiveness and a "drama" of anger in the forms of characters/actors in a play. When you can connect with the source events of these derivatives, the process of recapitulation will begin in earnest. After the emotional protections are vacated, then integration may begin into a new understanding.
Peace
Michael
----------
At 07:04 AM 11/15/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
'C' didn't exactly rat on me re being short and cranky (sounds like a slam on my physical stature). I knew she wrote that. I'm up early, have downloaded your response to her and obviously read it. (btw, thought you would be incommunicado until Thursday - glad you're available. She will be encampered all day were you to feel inclined to call her. I have chores and errands.)
M: I was able to get (from Silly Valley) an earlier airplane last night. Originally my schedule had me home about 9pm, which means 10 after dinner. Anyway, I managed to move that about an hour so there was a little response time. Today, I was visiting a client (early awakening) all day in San Diego, about 170 mile round trip, and the day ended in time for my to arrive home about 1/2 hour ago (8pm) again earlier than anticipated. Tomorrow with a long teleconference call scheduled and a backlog on office schnarff, and having to present at an IEEE meeting (by invitation) some research notes, my late afternoon through about 10-11pm will be busy.
A: You said:
"It would be interesting, separately, to exchange bits with him on the short and cranky part to expose what underlies those processes, and what frustrations and issues invoke those energy wastes."
I presume a 'bit' on my part would be comments re the current state of mind.
Damn if I know...Guess I'll try describing events and see what comes out.
M: Listening.
A: Awoke yesterday AM forgetting we had Yoga and other business in Corpus requiring a 7:30 departure and an 80 mile round trip. Really pissed me off, for some reason...I did not want to go, did not want to do fucking Yoga, drive the truck, anything. The camper is a mess with computer crap all over from recovery efforts - there is mail from hell to breakfast, dirt,
hmmm...that was a long rant that accidentally (?) got deleted, bottom line, described a task overload prior to departing for Austin for Thanksgiving on Tuesday. bfd - I have a lot of chores and little time to indulge in journalling or reading so what?
M: The anger that seems to underlie this is interesting, and is perceived to be tearing internally for you.
A: For some reason, writing this is causing intense leaking. Human's are weird, or as Garrison said, 'We are juicy people'.)
M: Understood.
A: There is more to it, I guess. I found myself quite short tempered at poky drivers, all of whom, of course, managed to get in front of me, and traffic in Corpus does not exist, compared to LA. I recognized to a great extent, I was precipitating things, and finally, I 'turned it off', more or less, and just gave up and gave in, said the hell with it.
M: Hummm.
A: The thought occurs that the camper is rather like a cocoon that I can hide in and observe from, and I really did not feel like leaving it yesterday.
M: It is wondered why a cocoon is needed to protect you.
A: Part of the day was an appointment with a neurologist - carpal tunnel, right hand, surgery time, blah blah blah, muscle loss in the thumb, blah blah blah, you drink too much, ALL THAT shit. (Did you know heavy alcohol consumption causes your toes to curl up? Did you know, doctor asshole, my toes have ALWAYS been curled up, so I guess I started drinking when I was 7, so fuck off.) Actually, the doctor was a cool guy, did residency at Harbor General, lived in Redondo, so we traded beach lies.
M: Turbulence.
A: I keep leaking so screw this. I don't know what, if anything, is revealed in this - I feel confident you will kick my ass somehow, so fire away.
M: That is not my function in the universe. The leaking is the release of stored emotion sourced by the squeeze of anger. If one squeezes anything hard enough with sufficient force, it'll leak, sometimes profusely.
A: PS - have been emailing with my most empathic cousin, have copied parts of Dialogue VIII to her, and perhaps she will get over denying how goddamn powerful she is..I should copy her last response - mind boggling.
M: Humans tend to find protection is self-denial, and all that is accomplished is, well, the enforcement of self-boundaries. Eagle snacks.
Peace
Michael
----------
At 08:58 AM 11/16/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
'C' wishes me to tell you she has an eye doctor appointment at 1000 local time and should be back around 1100.
M: Thank you for the update. I "believe" that I'll have a time window about 10am here, noon there, and if that holds I'll make an attempt at contact. The impetus for this is simply because of the nature of the transitions that you are both (but separately) approaching.
A: Interesting state to find myself in - again. It is, I realize, a most effective defense.
M: It might be considered to inquire of yourself, "defense against what?". Humans tend to "defend" against an illusionary enemy that they cannot even identify, and it is fascinating to observe the intensity of the energy that is placed into those "defenses" even absent identification of a true threat. With that observation a reasonable conclusion becomes manifestly yielded: that the "defenses" are blind, unthinking, and accordingly habitually reflexive based upon some imprinted ghostly images that reside in the past. These observations, and yielded conclusion, is then followed by annotations to the waste of energy the "defense" holds in its process, in conjunction with another conclusion, that the past is in locked-down control of actions "in the now" without any true benefit to the human who is in actualization of the "defense" reactions.
A: I do not know (will not admit) the source of the anger. It is still with me, and any attempt to consider its origin results in an increase in intensity. It is also rebellion.
M: It is noted that both "rebellion" and "anger" are usually derivatives of the same process, and both block evolution.
A: There is nothing more to say at the moment.
M: Yes, at least for me:
Peace and love are extended to you. Should you have more anger as a reflex to that statement, it is suggested that you might consider further the implication for your own processes.
Michael
Ah, the ISP is back up after ~ 60 hours of a 2 to 3 hour fix. Just sent off much that I've been working on, and downloaded much.
----------
At 08:26 AM 11/17/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Your last comment was correct, anticipating my response to your projected peace and love - reaction is obviously, fuck him - he doesn't know the 'real' me otherwise he would know I am not worthy of having anyone feel that way towards me.
M: My reaction to you, and my extensions to you, are of course at my own volition, intent and will. Only those locked into the negativity of the human form would be turned off by your reactions, which were (as noted) very predictable. Those who have intrinsic reactions to depreciate themselves are predictable in this manner. Reactions that are that impulsive and intense are usually products of defensive reactions, which are in turn based on the need for self-importance, which is in turn based upon self-esteem issues. The intense push-back/off has become so imbued for such a long period, that it has formed a reference system of self, however it is artificial because it is based on imprints of history. Imprints of history are essentially impacts of the past that are controlling "the now", and viewed in that manner, are quite energy ineffective.
A: In a brief discussion of this with 'C', the same thing emerges: whenever, or if, somehow I reveal or expose my essential self, it usually engenders I want to say way too warm reactions from others. This exposure only occurs when I am rather unconscious (i.e. don't have any barriers or defenses erected). (All of this seems rather tritely obvious at the moment.) When I become aware of the reactions, I slam the door, run away and hide - literally. I suspect this behavior had its genesis in some sort of traumatic crap that happened again around the age of 12, when I recall being really blissfully unaware. So what? As V wrote to me (probably the last contact I will have with him), 'Knowledge is Power'.
M: Knowledge is peace when integrated into being.
A: One solution I mentioned to 'C', and it has a grand attraction, is to find a trailer or something in the desert, miles from anyone - just get away from everyone. The plants and animals don't care at all, unlike humans.
M: Ah, perhaps you are confusing myself with one who "cares". Those "who care" tend to have agendas. My extensions to you are not at all intended to care for you because those feelings are for myself. My extensions to you are for myself and based upon my need for impeccability for myself.
A: They won't leave me alone unless I sort of set that ring of fire around me. As I told 'C', there ought to be a way to install some sort of rheostat that I can control - at the moment, it seems to be utterly binary and the reactions when it is a 1 are overwhelming - I want to add, I am allowing them to be overwhelming. (I respond deeply to 'His cold severe solitary mien does not take pride in itself'.)
M: At the very least, you do have ownership (and proudly, it is noted) of your reactions.
A: Two more 'issues' involved here: 1) the leaky hose analogy; 2) giving away power to the teacher/guru/therapist.
M: To the first, yes. To the second, no. Consider what "power" you would facilitate in anyone, and in that you will learn that you cannot give away what will not be accepted.
A: Part of the anger is from #2, and this is a student mindfuck; i.e. my own responsibility, and something I learned in therapy. Unlike therapists who usually engender the power giveaway, I suspect were you to become aware of it you would disallow it. It was beginning.
and re the hose, somehow it relates to this situation, but I have not got hold of it yet.
M: It does. There is an illusion that might be considered: the illusion that you are actually taking "power" through your actions in "the now"; when alternatively it is relatively simple to understand that since your reactions are based upon unresolved reflexes and events stored back in history, that history and those who impacted whatever to you are very much in control. You, in attempting to strike out in "the now" are not in control insofar as you are still striking out at whatever happened in history. From this process, it could be derived that this reflex is simply mis-placed energy in a vain illusion of control, which it could be noted has only resulted in stasis for many years, absent any significant developmental progress.
A: I mentioned my cousin. Oddly (?) I find myself in relation to her at the moment as you to me...that is, I'be being 'Michael' to her and I find myself trying to be 'clear' when I get her emails and send responses. Email is really a relief actually, since the power of reactions and emotions is dampened.
M: Yes. Understood.
A: One thing that is hugely annoying is what I just labeled the 'boo hoo' response, rather like the monster reacting to Gene Wilder in 'Frankenstein', when he holds the monsters face and tells him this is a face of an angel, blah blah, and the monster cries. It is the same damned thing.
M: Why, no, not to myself it is not. You are just you, not better or worst. What is perceived (through perception) is what lies within the core that is blocked from actually "being". From that it might be considered that the character in the drama play that has been constructed is only what is seen by yourself and by others. By now, it could be understood that those as myself can perceive far more. That perception, and about $1.50, will buy one a cup of coffee at a greasy spoon in Texas.
A: Someone says or communicates their affection or acceptance and leakage occurs. I mean, god damn. The weakness of that response is .. I have no words. The weakness, and the vulnerability...There HAS to be a more appropriate response that does not leave one a helpless, sniffling, useless glob of puke. (That feels a little better.)
M: <smile> One could start by admitting that the drama reflex of attempting to deny self, could possibly be an illusion.
A: I want to add, thanks for listening.
M: You are very welcome – with love.
Michael
----------
At 10:38 AM 11/18/2000 +0000, you wrote:
A: Michael -
Musta been something in the pizza I made - 'C' and I ...well, I'll relate my experience, even though once again rather obvious in its interpretation.
M: Okay!
A: Was at the site of a building being remodeled, my truck parked down behind the building. I wanted to move the truck out and leave but the drive had been all torn up and fences erected. I explored all other options and there was no way to get it out. I became aware I was dreaming and thought hmph - I can will it out. Poof. End of dream. Seems like I was not to be allowed the pleasure of the experience of actually moving it.
M: You invoked the correct process of being in the second attention, and probably there was an anticipation intensity that blew you out of the attention. Please do not take this negatively: it is only a process to learn and be proficient through learning and practice.
A: Second dream was of a factory/office, mine, and things were being shut down. I walked into my area, saw desk, chairs, radios, TV, stuff, and realized I didn't want any of it, was going to hang signs on all saying 'Gratis' figuring most of the folk around spoke Spanish. Interestingly, I was supposed to meet V and some others for a late lunch, and they had all left without me, and I didn't particularly care.
M: Not caring can be an expression of whole acceptance, sans dependencies, or it can be evidence of self-importance - if one has dependency on those "not being" cared for.
A: re dreams: we ('C', P, and I) have been discussing the business of dreams, and one or the other of us is bound to ask, and since I'm on the computer...
M: Then it must be fortuitous.
A: A question has arisen about the importance of dreams. My contention, all are important, all are actual second attention level occurrences. Thing is, even if they are not, if you think they are or might be, they take on an interesting level of importance - defcon n...attention level increases. Curious about your opinion.
M: For myself, "dreams" fall into two categories: normal; and, second attention. Normal dreams tend not to be remembered, and my consideration tends to relegate these into the equivalent of "nervous twitches" that the body exhibits when asleep. In my perceptions, second attention dreams have retention and clarity of the events that were perceived within the dreams. For this category, i.e. the second attention dreams, there are within the category two forms: one where one's on internal processes functions to question, experience, and sample concepts and ideas; and, another where one receives the perceptions of allies from the third attention where these allies communicate imagery, conversation, events, to facilitate the candidate.
Peace
Michael
----------
At 07:31 AM 11/20/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: "Ah, the ISP is back up after ~ 60 hours of a 2 to 3 hour fix. Just sent off much that I've been working on, and downloaded much."
Probably a Microsoft company.
M: Ah, no. It's really a privately owned local company, and their service and support has been really good for the ~ 3 to 4 years that they've been setup. They have been the DNS for a while.
A: I have been trying out Outlook Express since P and cousin use it. It will not do what I want it to do, so this will be rather jerky, sort of cut/paste/edit.
M: Understand. I use Eudora.
A: "Imprints of history are essentially impacts of the past that are controlling "the now", and viewed in that manner, are quite energy ineffective."
I know. What I don't know is the history. What I also don't know is how to find out, how to depower it, how to alter the reflex. I'm sorely tempted to ask you, nearly to beg you to tell me, since I am convinced it is accessible, part of the baggage I have with me, the 'personal history' that is erasable.
M: In a style of attempting to provoke thought/contemplation, consider that something happened late in your 11th or early 12th year, that caused a revulsion when you experienced what you thought was betrayal. That impact resulted in a reflex anger, step-function. This is not to say that it was "actually" betrayal, however given the setup and reflexes at the time this was the belief that was carried instantaneously and imbued through the current frame. From that perception, it is suggested that "betrayal" be the meditative watchword for inspection.
A: "At the very least, you do have ownership (and proudly, it is noted) of your reactions."
I assume you mean the pride is my own. That is not a good thing - all the same rather tangled ball of crap. Again, what are the means to untangle? or do I sort of beg the question, you having already provided some 'tools', dJ as well, et al.
M: No need to beg. Please consider the concept above, and we when the moment aligns well, we can talk on the telephone.
A: "By now, it could be understood that those as myself can perceive far more. That perception, and about $1.50, will buy one a cup of coffee at a greasy spoon in Texas."
Very funny. and it's up to $2.00.
M: Ah, garsh, inflation again - even in a greasy spoon...sigh.
A: "<smile> One could start by admitting that the drama reflex of attempting to deny self, could possibly be an illusion."
possibly?
M: <smile> Michael
----------
At 10:22 AM 11/20/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I cannot see the goddamn keyboard because of continual goddamn leakage. Not your problem. I cannot even talk simple shit to 'C', let alone be able to talk coherently to you on the phone. PLEASE do not call at the moment.
M: Understand. Humans tend to go through these releases when they are positioned on the threshold of transitions, what CC would call "crossings".
A: Betrayal is the key word, and it was definitely interpreted as that. I still do not or cannot or will not recall the event or events. But God Damn...I want this fucking boil lanced.
M: Yes, but YOU have to lance it.
A: We leave tomorrow morning for Lake Travis and Thanksgiving with a couple (plus 18 relatives) we met on the prior Mexico caravan. Shall also DO the place in Austin you mentioned to 'C'. Will return here probably Friday or Saturday, and will probably spend Dec here - I have some really annoying surgery for carpal tunnel shit in my right hand that is necessary. Regardless, laptop accompanies.
Signed Your Leakiness...Jesus, I would like this to stop.
M: It will abate when you get across this crossing. I just sent off a file to 'C', and there's a piece within that about myself that might answer some questions for you re my processes. Re your weekend, at your current opening (yes, you ARE opening to yourself) you will likely be flooded with perceptions in the group and family that you are enjoining. Please "know" that it would be a "better idea" if you would allow those perceptions to occur and not block them by reverting to your anger and obstinate defense. This could be the most important weekend of your recent life.
Love (yes, still)
Michael
----------
M: Hello. Delighted (yes, really) to hear from you. I hadn't thought it through, but there are several long-tenure proteges in the Austin area including a two that are noted in "the dialogues".
At 05:07 PM 11/22/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
So far so good. Bit of a gas to watch or sort of witness 'C''s stuff - her analogy to flying seemed really apropos - reminded me of my own solo.
M: Good. It is all preparatory, as is the turbulence you have been experiencing.
A: Speaking of flying - cool dreams when they happen. Most recent experience of mine revealed when I talked to 'C' about it, that nearly every time I have flown, I have been fearful of discovery by someone. That held true in the last one.
M: Impetus takes many guises until what is discovered is actually learned.
A: Other matters - lots of info in your prior responses - thanks - believe I have finally understood the 'hose' analogy. I had sort of been hoping I would not have to recapitulate all the way to the 'seed' events, but alas...
M: <smile> There really isn't any choice, and it's certain that you already knew that in the depth of your being. Clever attempts to conceal that, though.
A: That's ok - now that I'm no longer programming, it gives me something to do. My cousin told me she always works inside out and that is likewise my style, which is burrow to the absolute bottom then work back out. Fits with the work ahead.
M: <smile>
A: 'C' already wished you and RM and whomever a happy T day - did not think I had much to say, but...this is my favorite holiday..nothing but FOOD!
M: Thank you, and a wonderful and peaceful day to you as well.
Peace,
Michael
----------
At 09:27 AM 11/24/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
re your Austin protégés - it would be a coincidence of huge proportion if one of those couples happened to be (snip). (Snip) is the one on our Mexico caravan who said 'This is going to be a hoot', which is a fairly common expression in Texas, but another coincidence. They own a house in Austin.
M: Heard "the hoot" expression many times. Regret that I don't know these individuals.
A: 'C' mentioned getting 'busted' by (snip) at least twice yesterday while 'observing'.
M: Yes. Understand. (Snip) is no doubt a candidate. From the perceptions and descriptions her ability to see/perceive is good. Her ability to transfer energy is muted, though, by fear.
A: Go Aggies.
M: Hummmm. Ah, yes. College Station: where men are men and sheep are nervous.
Love (I mean that – without dependency)
Michael
----------
At 09:15 AM 11/26/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: "At 09:25 AM 11/25/00 -0800, you wrote: > > Love (I mean that) > > Michael >"
For some reason I feel compelled to respond to that. When I'm 'functional' (i.e. not defensive, not retreated) I cannot say honestly I can allow myself to fully accept either love or peace proffered from you or anyone else, but it does not occasion the rather angry denial defense thing. In a way, I prefer to 'transmit' rather than to 'receive'.
M: It is probably only a "safety" thing. If you openly can accept love, in the form of "I love you, (snip)", let alone love that is stated to be unconditional, then because of the prior betrayal complex the defensive reaction is to angrily bat it away so it cannot hurt you. On the other side, when YOU love, it is wholly within your control and therefore, safe.
A: This period at Lake Travis has been an interesting exercise, and I have to admit, the 'transmitting' was enjoyable, rather like watching a bunch of warm puppies rolling around on each other. There was one day when I really wanted to retreat, but I told 'C' I felt that way, and that I felt I had to resist it, so I returned to the fray.
M: Understood. <smile>
A: I had not thought much would go on, just the chance every day to try to be more aware of perceptions. Dreams, however, have been rather non-stop, and after reading your comments to 'C' re frequency increasing prior to ramping, I began to wonder.
M: <smile>
A: Dream last night was of being in sort of a square room that suddenly tilted about 90 degrees, then one side broke away and fell, opening the room to the outside revealing we were quite high in the air. I looked down, wondering if I could jump that far, just pondered it - no fear, at any rate - I never did jump.
M: Good. Test passed. Fear confronted and converted into simple observation. Important ability to have.
A: Then some goof-ball dream where I had to memorize a sequence of numbers supposedly phone numbers except the sequence was 4-4 rather than 3-4 like prefix and number. The number was important because it somehow was being used to keep certain events from occurring. Hmmmm...one of them weird ones that made sense at the time but not in the retelling.
M: There was an implied test of a control reflex from you in that, though. The test was based upon a possible reflex of "no! that is not the correct sequence!" from you, but you didn't argue and you accepted the instruction. Again, congrats, passed test.
A: Couple of days ago a more significant test-like dream, which continued through about three iterations, where I had a choice of three different roads to get to Corpus, one a sort of freeway, but it was blocked for some reason. I kept considering the alternatives, realizing there were other ways to get there. When I talked to 'C' about it, I wondered then why I had not merely willed myself there and the hell with the roads. She told me the Gordian Knot story about Alexander. One of these days...or nights, I'll work it right.
M: Understood.
A: I shared your 'jokes' re Austin - they were met with, uh, polite laughter, which in itself was funny. And speaking of humor, 'C' and I wondered whether there was such a thing as jokes on other levels, hoping there were, assuming there could be some rather fine practical jokes, what with neophytes being as earnest as they usually are. Besides, that has always seemed to me to be one of the finer ways of teaching/learning.
M: Yes, indeed.
A: and re being 'crusty', having a fine time pie making - always fun when there are eager eaters. I did not miss your comment re messing about with clay. That rang a bell - I used to enjoy the hell out of it when I was younger.
M: Yes. Known. Perceived.
A: 'C' made a pass at it, was going to toss the tools she bought, but I saved them somewhere...just may have to get back into that one. Thanks.
So. Later.
M: Okay. Later.
Michael
----------
At 12:19 PM 11/26/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I meant to add to the last email a comment re efforts at recapitulation, which is to say, there aren't any in progress. The reason for mentioning same is to get a read on techniques.
M: Listening.
A: My own 'style' is actually a matter of directed imagining, sort of a self-hypnosis thing, but not always the deep relaxation beforehand. I have 'intended' a resurrection of information, rather like going to bed mulling over a programming problem, waking at 3 AM with a grand solution in mind. I 'expect' to obtain answers - I 'expect' to obtain precise information concerning events in that 11th-12th year. I realize getting precisely to the bottom of events is mandatory.
M: It is and it is like peeling layers off an onion - one at a time.
A: Secondly. You and 'C' have corresponded re nudist camps, potentially meeting in Palm Springs. I do not include myself in ya'lls plans. I have an aversion to running around in the buff and have wondered if there is a 'thing' to probe there.
M: Yes there is. If you have a reflex to not do this, there is a high indication of a self-esteem and protection issue. There are components of myself that in the interest of efficiency would like to blast some of those away from you, but the reassembly would take probably longer than the process that we're not engaged in.
A: I have done the swim at the Y thing (bad idea to dive), been to the nude beach near Zuma (males running about playing Frisbee is beyond ridiculous), and generally have negative 'vibes' about the whole thing. Add to that an American Indian admonition that it is minimally impolite to expose the male organ to the sun, the sun being masculine.
M: If you could release yourself from your defensives, you might be surprised at how much there is to feel.
A: So. Screw the Aggies - Go Saints (for $25 with P, who had glowing reports re talking to your August Self...)
M: But....but...it's November, not August!
Later (like my new closing?)
Michael
----------
At 09:09 AM 11/27/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael - I realize sadness is an indulgence. It gets the bad mouth throughout don Juan's 'lessons'. There is a huge statement from Zen: 'Sad man, don't afflict others with your sadness.'
M: It must be said with emphasis that your sadness cannot impact others under the assumption that the others "have ability".
A: But then there is 'A superior vessel takes a long time to complete.' Swell.
M: Not necessarily. The vessel is yourself: your luminous form of sentience that embodies all of the energy of ‘A’. How long it takes is the subject of self, and no one can legitimately make that statement. If you make it of yourself, then perhaps dependencies are driving a self-fulfilling prophecy. As a legitimate being "in the now", time has wholly no consequence and never can have.
A: The sadness at the moment is profound, and I shall not afflict 'C' et al with it...she is making such huge progress...
M: Peace
Michael
----------
M: Hello, (snip). Feels sobering below, somehow.
At 07:58 AM 11/29/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
The drive back from Austin was, uh, productive. I know I need to open this up, and the fact of my reluctance merely reinforces it. Hm. I would much rather go do maintenance on the camper than write, but 'C' is urging otherwise. This may be (?) a bit disjointed.
M: Maintenance on the camper is about the equivalent of jumping into a bottle.
A: P's dream, and primarily once again a sneaky comment by your November self, were the springboard. A key sequence in the dream was the inclusion of some female, P describes as almost a daughter. (I have the rather unsettling sense that you already know all this. Even so, I really do not want to write about it.)
M: Confirmed, yes, I do. It is important to say that it is quite certain that you are aware that the basis of your life is changing and changing quickly. ENGAGE! Sometimes, it is not subtle or sneaky. Certainly your tendency to withdraw into distractions (anger being a large method from history) might cause you to reflex bat me away, or attempt to, but even that would be an illusion. In a manner that might seem really blatant to you, you might decide to detach and not have a relationship with me. That is your "safety" control point. I, on the other hand am in whole control if I will have a relationship with you, even if you do not have a relationship with myself. Now, THAT might be provocative for you.
A: Fuck it. Michael, allow me to introduce Whats-her-name.
M: Oh geeze! I can be a voyeur!
A: WHN, meet Michael. She has been 'with' me for a long time. I first encountered her in a dream that took place on the Santa Monica pier. This was in the late 60's. I was doing therapy with a guy in Glendale, and he had me work through this dream ala Fritz Perls technique, which is to have you redo the dream after deep relaxation, then at the most critical point of the confrontation, trade places with the other in the dream. The effect was hugely upsetting, hugely exhilarating, blah blah blah. She was serence, confident, content, sure of herself and where she was going - in short, she was just about everything I was not.
M: Allies. You think I'm "sneaky". HA!
A: I can't continue this at the moment. Suffice it to say, she and I have dialogued many times in my journal. The fact of her 'femaleness' has been a huge factor, causing concern about transsexualism, about homosexuality, about all the shit of MANHOOD,
M: and it is /……../ but then so are the female-hood battles.... It is so incredibly fascinating how desperate humans are to grab onto any identity! Man! Woman! This! That! Oooff! Schnarff!
A: the connection back via Bade (the aforementioned therapist) defining my airplane crash dreams as my own manhood going down in flames, blah blah blah. She has been a huge comfort to me, always 'talking' to me in parentheses, always calming me down, seeming to always have a fine line on elemental truth...she trusts her instincts so deeply that she does as another Zen quote goes...she turns smoothly.
M: Understood.
A: Meantime - recapping has revealed 'the event' is associated with Christmas and my birthday, which is the day after - and with some event that included my grandfather. I'm not there yet, but closing. I have had what seems like a lifelong deep dislike that holiday, and to my knowledge, have never allowed anyone to give me a birthday party, and refused long ago to participate in any Christmas crap.
M: Perhaps the key to the feeling of betrayal.
A: Whew. I feel rather like getting out of the way and having you and WHN converse. She actually showed up in a dream 'C' had long ago when we camped at Anza Borrego, a dream in which the two of them rather ganged up on me, something to do with a battery and I was going to show these two mere females how to deal with it, and they summarily put me down.
Enough.
M: You do not have to introduce me to WHN. She is well known. That probably does not surprise you. Some day, you are going to understand that this does indeed all fit together.
Love, (snip), embrace.
Michael
----------
At 02:54 PM 11/29/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Michael -
I should be used to jolts - I know 'C' has 'surrendered' - I mean, what the hell?
M: Hummm. Surrendered? Given up something? Huh?
A: She read me what she copied to P, the part indicating you already know the outcome, or at least the potential outcome, and essentially all the players. I can see why she has just said cool - it's all out there anyway, whats to cover up, lets just go for it. The jolt (or rocking back, as the subject implies) is re WHN. 'C' said she was an ally on the way here from Austin. What does she know? (Once again, a mere female...) I am having to get used to that.
M: The labels and need to identify others in sex terms, is, well, fascinating.
A: I have, for as long as I have known her (WHN), considered her to be sort of an alter-ego, part of myself split off due to some stupid sexual trauma, the repository of my 'good' attributes. Even after reading CC, it never dawned on me that she could be an ally. It may be sexist, but I always thought of allies as being male. The more I think of her, however, and of her attributes, it fits. She has always 'looked' at me with that utterly unconcerned but fully attentive not stare, but just full on look. The prospect of her being anally is having a really odd effect, sort of a release, sort of a consolation of immense proportions.
M: Consider your presence with "her". Consider how that might have provided information to you. Consider how that might test you.
A: You told me to ENGAGE. I don't know what that means. Do you mean to consult WHN? If so, should that be through the means I always have in the past, via the journal? Or some other means?
M: It means to stop the illusion that you can somehow hide and deceive others, and connect not just with Carol, but with others and stop attempting to withdraw. The consequence of your withdrawing into anger, booze, the camper (consider that a protective cocoon) is defeating in ways that really impact you.
A: re my batting you away, I did so already, last evening at Lake Travis, began drinking rum around 9 AM, continued all day, removed myself to a back room where I could fully disengage and not affect anyone. I wrote a couple of pages in my journal, not blasting away at you so much as just saying fuck it, I can do this on my own. It was a relief, sort of a respite, but I can't run away. I don't want to run away, much less bat you away - besides, I probably can't get rid of you anyway, so what the hell? I started this whole thing...I gotta see it through. And now I have the lovely WHN...e fucking gad....
Thanks . again...deeply.
M: <smile>
Michael
----------
Hello. Gee. Intensity time.
At 08:25 AM 11/30/2000 -0600, you wrote:
A: Well, Sir PBoS, etc -
I believe you forewarned. Statement is, when it rains, it pours. It is only 8AM, for gods sake.
M: <-:)
A: I have to share this analogy, or pair of analogies, occasioned by dreams that each of us initially thought were garbage, or ordinary. Mine was about mowing lawn with a sort of self powered mower that was threatening to run over my bare feet. I avoided that, later on, turned it over to see how it worked, figured it out sort of, then used it to cut my hair. (Someone, or something has a rather perverse sense of humor here.)
M: Taking that which was perceived as threatening and bringing into a utility of benefit, is conspicuously significant as beneficial.
A: 'C''s dream was of being a mail clerk in an office, like her second day there. She had to put packages and mail on the right desks, had to 'perceive' which desk belonged to which person. She used some obvious techniques for some, but then had to intuit the others.
M: The motivations to practice the integration of "the attentions", represented by normal structures and perception, is revealed.
A: Her analogy, in terms of the two of us being beginning grunts was that obviously she was the house nigger, I was the yard nigger. (That's her factory background...). I later on saw it more that she and her talents were required in the front office (the place is a mess), I was destined for field work. I have had the hose in my hands, after all.
M: <-:) It might be obvious that the structural portions were not the message, however your comfort in using terms above is appreciated.
A: Of rather sobering import is emails from P, one to 'C', one to me. He is really missing the point, but in the process, talked about being part of the gang in Hermosa, and a witness to the power abuses. He is equating that with provocation that 'C' tried to describe to him as done by you – two wholly different 'provocations'. Ouch. His misunderstanding is caused by my actions. I absolutely feel responsible, and feel the responsiblity to try to get the point across.
M: It's noted that he sent an e/mail that was just downloaded, but haven't opened yet. Will review. Hopefully you can approach this (from your description) as revealing the petty tyrants of the past, and if that is true then there will be learning benefits.
A: P did lay a cool line on me though, in response to my revealing to him for the first time Ms WHN, more importantly her being an ally. He quoted a line from Life of Brian which I'll copy in.
"as a monty python character said while hanging on a roman jail wall......'you bastard. you lucky lucky bastard what i wouldnt give to be spat at in the face' "
I had not realized the truth of that.
M: <-:)
A: Thanks for the phone calls. We read the Intro, as 'C' said - both had similar reaction...where the hell is Chapter 1?
M: The "Foreword" of the book I’ve been contemplating to write, has been read by only a few people, and actually it hasn't been shown to anyone is perhaps six months. My personal reflex (this is sharing because you are so intimately known, it's believed appropriate to expose more to enhance your information in reciprocity) for most of my life, is to withdraw. About a couple of years ago a person I’m connected to that lives in Germany, female, now about aged 49 working on her psychology degree and RM really "jumped" on me to write and issue my thoughts in some exposed way. (Part of her exchanges with self are in "the dialogue" .. "what do we need these heavy..") Honestly, revealing myself, my response to this (as usual) pressure was "Why?! It's all out there!
“There are pieces of the puzzle that can be assembled by simply looking and picking these pieces up starting in the antiquity of Egypt and Greece, and bringing forward to what we know today!". The concept is that seekers will locate and find those resources, and exposing self openly cannot be self-important. RM, the woman in Germany, and others loudly state: But you package it differently! Wholly unconvincing. Extending this personal side further, professional proteges, and RM, have also pressured me for (literally) years to write a book on my "discoveries" (which are only, in truth, observations as anything in research really is) in physics/technology, and my response is about the same "Why? Anyone can figure these things out it they are serious enough to apply themselves."
The result is that various individuals that I know have written "the books" with acknowledgements. In regard to the philosophical/metaphysical pieces that you have seen in "The Foreword", somehow it seems appropriate to continue the effort, so I will, but it is still accurate to inquire "why" and probably there will not be an answer to that unless it's actually finished. In any case, it's being worked on. What would become about Chapter 2 or 3 (Chapter 1 is on "originations" of the cosmos) is being finished this week, edited for brevity to be about 5 "word" pages, which would be about 10 to 12 "book" pages. I've reconnected with Tiffany who has done some web-design work for me/us in the past and we'll post the new piece as a definition of the web site (she calls it a "mission statement") in a few weeks. In "the book" version, it would probably be about double it's current length. (deep breath).
A: To the fray. I have a lot to write to P.
M: It would seem that so do I. The next-in-sequence response will be to 'C'.
Love
Michael
----------
<Previous
| Next>